I've hit that part of Rising Strong where Brené Brown is talking about judgement, and holy shit-fire Batman, does some of that nail me with a nail-gun. I tend toward the non-judge-y. I do, in fact, honestly feel most people are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. There are exceptions. It's something I've done some work on and obviously need to do more work on. Unfortunately, a lot of how I drew necessary and healthy boundaries (that seems to be a big problem for a lot of women) in the early stages was with rage. It took years to get where I was comfortable saying no and not "FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! NO!" To this day, boundary violators are sometimes a problem. I'm doing much, much better, however. I don't hold as many grudges as I used to. Oh, I still carry one or two around, but mostly not so much. It feels grand. But yes, there's some family stuff because...I come from a crazy family. I used to be ashamed of that. However, like many things, I'm working on it.
Today, I went to a friend for migraine treatment. He offered, and his office is close by. We almost instantly got into a discussion about my relationship with scarcity. I find that amusing because I was giving myself a pep talk about abundance and what it means this morning. I love when that shit happens. Nonetheless, I almost broke down and cried. Like conflict, abundance is a subject I've been struggling with for years. I had a card reader tell me once that I was walking around with a big hole in my chest, and that it wouldn't matter how much I tried to stuff things inside of it to fill that hole nothing was going to work until I learned to receive. It hit home. Hard. So, I talked to my therapist. She suggested I buy a bowl and fill it with things that meant love. That bowl of hearts and the lone Snoopy (long story) is still on a table next to my bed. I thought I had it down, you know? Not so much, baby girl. So, I'm going to write this out because someone else might need to see it too.
Allow for the possibility that you are enough. That you are good enough. That you are worthy of having your needs met and that they will be met. And hang in there, chicken. You got this.
is a Science Fiction and Fantasy author living in Texas.